Monthly Archives: February 2014

Felonious-Footwear Poll! Misty Mountain Hos

(With apologies to Led Zeppelin.)

Exhibit A: Abominable Puerto Rican Snow Ho

(You can guess whom we have to thank for this epithet. Note the fake eyelashes.)

Misty Mountain Hos, Exhibit A


Exhibit B: Haggling Yak Herder of the Himalayas

Misty Mountain Hos, Exhibit B


I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the city. Near them, on the street,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Fuglymandias, skank of skanks:
Look on my shoes, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level streets stretch far away.

—Adaptation of “Ozymandias” by Percy Bysshe Shelley


Felonious-Footwear Poll! The Low Spark of Ugg-Heeled Hoes

(With apologies to Traffic.)

Exhibit A: The Blue Flame

The Low Spark of Ugg-Heeled Hoes, Exhibit A


Exhibit B: The Heart Light

The Low Spark of Ugg-Heeled Hoes, Exhibit B


Exhibit C: The Cat in Heat

The Low Spark of Ugg-Heeled Hoes, Exhibit C


Exhibit D: The Spark Plug

The Low Spark of Ugg-Heeled Hoes, Exhibit D

Felonious-Footwear Poll! Cones of Shame

“That’s like a wafer cone when you wanted a waffle cone—you know, a communion wafer molested into an ice cream cone.”—Secondshade

Exhibit A: Strawberry Parfait

Cones of Shame, Exhibit A


Exhibit B: Death by Chocolate

Cones of Shame, Exhibit B

Felonious-Footwear Poll! Sneaker Boots by Stay Puft

I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!

Dan Aykroyd as Dr. Raymond Stantz, Ghostbusters

Exhibit A: Original Marshmallow Flavor

Stay Puft Sneaker Boots, Exhibit A


Exhibit B: Strawberry Snowflake

Stay Puft Sneaker Boots, Exhibit B

The Tourist Out of Time

These steadily grew more solid and distinct, till at last I could trace their monstrous outlines with uncomfortable ease. They seemed to be enormous, iridescent cones, about ten feet high and ten feet wide at the base, and made up of some ridgy, scaly, semi-elastic matter.…

The great base of the central cone was fringed with a rubbery, grey substance which moved the whole entity through expansion and contraction.…

Their actions, though harmless, horrified me even more than their appearance—for it is not wholesome to watch monstrous objects doing what one had known only human beings to do.

—H.P. Lovecraft, “The Shadow Out of Time” (1936)

The Tourist Out of Time

Ugly-Pants Alert! Lonely but Free She’ll Be Found

Drifting along with the tumbling tumbleweeds.

Note the skulls on the jacket and the holes in the platform wedges.

Tumbling Tumbleweeds